COQUETTE BROKKOLI GRATIN & MÜLLER MILCH REIS | LIDL | 1.92€

Brokkoli Gratin
Cooking procedure: Microwave Oven
Cooking time: 5 Minutes

Milch Reis
Cooking procedure: N/A
Cooking time: 0 Minutes

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In a vain attempt to ‘keep it real’ and fight the urge to follow the crowd to “Alfredo's Trattoria” I ended up with one of Lidl's few remaining ‘heat and eat’, vegetable containing, non frozen options; Coquette's Brokkoli “Gratin”.

As soon as I slid the gratin out of it's cardboard coffin and took a look at it's mangled contents I knew that putting it inside a microwave oven was only going to make things worse. The gratin resembled something a vegetarian French cat would produce if it had an attack of the fur balls, but knowing the experiment had to continue I dutifully slid it into the oven. While I waited for the little dish to miraculously transform itself into something edible under the electromagnetic heat waves I thought I'd read the ingredients list. It started off well: 30% potato, 20% broccoli and then suspiciously ended abruptly at 10% ham... what the hell were the 40% mystery ingredients????

Anyway 5 minutes past, the bell rang and out it came, looking the same as it had gone in just slightly warmer. The resulting mush looked and tasted like warm baby food with the only solid thing being the small ‘pencil eraser’ like bacon bits which were so chewy that my teeth couldn't penetrate their rubbery outer shells.

The rice pudding was fantastic... the taste and satisfaction points above belong to the The rice pudding alone, no complaints.

Actually In retrospect this whole meal would be perfect for old people and babies, just make sure to remove the eraser like ham pieces before serving.

Side effects:
Learning the humbling knowledge that sometimes general opinion is right and that trying to be original when it comes to food only results in problems “downstairs”. Next week I'll be booking a table for one at Alfredo's.

Would I buy it again?
Coquette Brokkoli Gratin = No
Müller Milch Reis = Yes

SCHWEINEGESCHNETZELTES "ZÜRICHER ART" | LIDL | 1,99€

Cooking procedure: Microwave Oven
Cooking time: 10 Minutes (cause it was frozen)

Extras: it got a steam-vent + the foil is easy to remove (those features are actually REALLY printed on the packaging)

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This review is really no easy thing for me cause i don't know what to say the first time. Neither was the meal good nor really bad. It was just kind of one homogenous bulk that didnt change the taste no matter if i had a mushroom, some meat or just only noodles on my fork. the sauce smelled good but tasted and felt pretty like salted jelly. After spicing it up with loads of pepper it was acceptable. i still cant say if it was just ok or totally terrible. i have eaten worse microwave oven food in my life, but with "Züricher Geschnetzeltes" its hard not to compare the taste with an original cooked one. I am sorry, but I can't describe it with other words than, it sucked compared to an original Geschnetzeltes.

The noodles, so called "Spätzle", were a bad joke, they looked like little not well cooked dough-beans and had no own taste. Real-Deal-Spätzle can be even eaten without sauce, so great do they taste on their own, but this was a Spätzle Fiasko, no comparison at all. the consistence of the noodles was the same like the rest of this meal, jiggly jellyness.

the meat was ok, but flavourless like the rest.

10minute cooking time is pretty much for a microwave oven meal as well, just take the awesome Trattoria Alfredo Bolognese, fresh taste in just 4 minutes...

450g of food gives it at least 4 chefs at the portion size rank.

at least the packaging is not lying this time,
it praises the "steam-vent" and that "the foil is easy to remove" as the product's biggest benefits. actually that should have raised my suspicion...

Side effects:
I miss the "Züricher Geschnetzeltes" my mother is cooking.

Would I buy it again?
no.

SPAGHETTI BOLOGNESE & MONTE RAVY SCHOKO MIT SAHNE | LIDL | 1,78€

Cooking procedure: Microwave Oven
Cooking time: 4 minutes


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Even if i'd love to write a bad review one time i simply can't. this Alfredo and his Trattoria keep surprising me with consistent quality. the bolognese sauce smells fantastic and tastes even better. the spaghetti are a bit too soft, caused by the precooked procedure, but acceptable. if you add a breadroll or two, a bit of parmesano, you come even close to the original flair of going out to an italian place. actually, i even have been out at so called "italian resteraunts" which served me a bolognese way worse than this premade, 1,59€, microwave oven meal.
i still don't understand why they call it a "snack" on the packaging cause the portion size (especially when you add a breadroll or a dessert) comes close to a perfect lunch meal size.

the dessert was a chocolate mousse with cream for 19 cents. if you like chocolate mousse you will like this one as well, till today i found no difference in the taste of a 19cent noname (if you want to call "Monte Ravy" no name) or a 1+ euro highclass mousse.

Side effects:
pure satisfaction and a warm and happy feeling in my stomach

Would I buy it again?
hell yes!

KARTOFFELGRATIN & ROTE GRÜTZE MIT VANILLASOSSE | LIDL | 1,38 €

Cooking procedure: Microwave
Cooking time: 5 Minutes

Extras: The dessert was served in a dual-chamber packaging.

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It's a common technique many supermarkets use: They print some utterly photoshopped culinary photographies on their packages wanting you to believe that the content actually looks like that. It's a recipe for bad surprises.
Today I tried some reverse psychology. I thought: "Hey, if the food already looks bad on the outside, maybe it would surprise me with its inner values." It didn't. In fact when I opened up the potato gratin, I was even more disgusted. But as a real german I didn't lose faith in the good old potato. So I threw the mush into the microwave.
I can't say that I had a thrill of anticipation as I pulled it out again. But I was pretty hungry, so I started eating quickly. The consistence was surprisingly good. Actually the first two spoons tasted quite well. Then suddenly a really weird aftertaste showed up. Until now I can't tell what it was like - what scares me even more. Is my sense of taste already striking on Day 2 of our little experiment?
Anyway, the aftertaste overlayed the whole meal. Maybe I should have combined it with a some beef for a change. But I didn't. Meatless to say: It was terrible. At least I was full. What you can actually expect from a meal that claims to be sufficient for three people. (Do they employ dwarfs as food testers?)
The moment of truth aproached. Would the red berry compote (or the new-rave-pink berry compote) really taste as artificial as it looked? It did. Not only it looked as slimy as the ape's brain in "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom", probably it tasted even worse.

Side effects:
The packaging of the compote said: "This is what your day tastes like." From then on my day was doomed. The red berry compote became a red berry complot.

Would I buy it again?
Is this a question of suicidal tendencies?

TORTELLONI MEDITERRANEA & 3x CREMOLINO | LIDL | 2,04 €

Cooking procedure: Microwave Oven
Cooking time: 4 - 4,5 Min

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We already gained some positive experiences with eating pasta from Trattoria Alfredo. Seems to be a very solid selection. But as I opened up the door of the microwave today, I felt like I had passed the pearly gates. The scent of the Dolce Vita filled our kitchen, tickled our nostrils and made my mouth watering. Then: The first try. The tortelloni kept what their scent had already promised. It was perfectissimo. The piquancy was subtle and well dosed. The only thing I have to criticize is the size. Thank god, I also bought the Cremolinos. Three tenderly rolled roulettes igniting a fireworks at every of your gustatory nerves. Bang! Boom! Basta!

Side effects:
The satisfied grin of satiety.

Would I buy it again?
Si capisce!

SALAT MIT YOGHURT DRESSING, FRESHVALE SANDWICH KÄSE | LIDL | 2.74€

Cooking procedure: N/A
Cooking time: 0 Minutes

Extras: 1 x Small container of mayonnaise, 1 x Serrated edged plastic fork

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I was going for a healthy option here as I was worried about a ‘Super Size Me’ situation developing so I took what I thought would be a safe bet; a sandwich and salad (The salad had been reduced by 30% because it's best before date had been reached).

The salad was passable.. not much to say really. Despite the rock bottom cost and the size I still feel a tiny bit ripped off as it was devoid of any discernable taste and the watery mayonnaise/yoghurt dressing left me feeling gastrically violated. The sandwich tasted as it looked; stale and mayonnaise heavy, it's only saving grace being the fleeting appearance of gherkins.

Side effects:
As I'm not used to such concentrations of liquid fat, the mayonnaise overload has done weird stuff to my stomach and I'm currently feeling slightly nauseous.

Would I buy it again?
No.

TORTELLONI QUATTRO FORMAGGI | LIDL | 1,59€

Cooking procedure: Microwave
Cooking time: 4 Minutes


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This Lunch was a solid supermarket 3star meal. Usually i am really sceptical about cheese sauces concerning premade stuff, but this one was a surprise. The cheese mix sauce was quite tasty. The tortelloni were good and the consistency was even very good. a maximum of 2 tortelloni got a bit "crunchy" through the microwave heating. Because of the big sized portion and the very cheesy sauce it was good for a big hunger but as well a bit tiring at the end so i had, what i'd like to call, "cheese-monotony".

Side effects:
Directly afterwards i felt a bit like a stuffed goose, but now, 30 minutes later, there are no sideeffects anymore.

would I buy it again?

yes, but just after a long break from cheesyness.